Gridiron Belles

Christie Leigh: Hello?

Mama: Alabama is the stupidest state. Ever.

Christie Leigh: What?! Mama, why? Where are you?

Mama: I said, “Alabama is the stupidest state.”

Saturday morning, my mama, was driving from KY to Florida and driving through Alabama when she called me rather perturbed. I could have sworn that hell froze over and that my mama had spent the morning listening to ESPN on her XM radio where she learned of the latest stunt pulled by an Alabama fan.

To my dismay, she was simply referring to a disappointing employer she encountered at a drive thru window, but the effect was the same. What I heard was, “Alabama fans are the stupidest in the state.” That’s not new news to an Auburn or Tennessee fan, but to the rest of the world, it may now be coming a bit more apparent.

The poisoning of Auburn’s historical oak trees in Toomer’s Corner by an Alabama fan is nothing short of a tragic heartbreak. The Auburn community has rallied around toilet paper, the intersection of Magnolia and College, and beautiful oaks for generations. Nearly all of life’s successes on Auburn’s campus are celebrated by “rolling” the trees in Toomer’s Corner. At least they were. Until some Alabama fan took it in his own hands to personally poison football.

No one is here to discount the intensity of college football rivals, especially SEC rivals. No one here is casting the first stone (although I would cast a roll of toilet paper at this man if given the chance, and I’m not talking two-ply extra soft). No one here is claiming that team allegiance and rivals are wrong, unhealthy, or even a waste of time like so many non-football fans claim them to be.

But the beauty of such deeply seeded and passionate rivals is that we all feel the same way. Ipso facto, shouldn’t we all be respecting the other teams, especially in the off season? Especially when it comes to defacing historical landmarks?

Alabama has Bear Bryant. You don’t see Auburn fans burning houndstooth hats before kickoff or after they beat Alabama do you? The revered on-campus statue of The Bear has not been covered with orange and blue or covered in a liquid that would erode the metal and destroy the shape and tribute to Bear.

Why not? Because that’s history. Bear Bryant was one of the greatest coaches of all times. He is as much a part of Alabama football history as their 22 SEC championships. Because you can hate Alabama with every cell in your body, but no one can dispute the tradition that lives on in the Bear’s memory.

So why could Mr. Bad Alabama Apple not appreciate one of Auburn’s greatest traditions? Why could an Alabama fan not respect history, heritage, legacy the same way Auburn has done to them?

Maybe he wanted to spend time in jail with inmates stealing his toilet paper. Maybe he secretly disliked Tuscaloosa and realized this was the only way to guarantee that he would never ever go back. Maybe he thought he had been to Bryant-Denny Stadium enough and had no desire see the inside of heaven again. Maybe his off-season Saturdays and Sundays were becoming boring and he needed an activity to fill his time, thus having to clean toilet paper from his house and front yard for the rest of his life would fix his idol boredom.

Here’s the thing: Aside from this lost soul who fell off a very high rocker causing brain injury, the University of Alabama does football right. Bryant-Denny Stadium is an unforgettable experience. One of my dearest friends is a BAMA fan. I respect the program because they are passionate about football, but this has crossed the line; this is taking the rivalry too far. Aside from my  friend residing in Tuscaloosa, it’s safe to say I lost a lot of respect for the Crimson Tide.

I hope the plainsmen and women turn the other cheek and beat the stew out of the Tide from here until eternity. I hope that this act of idiocy serves as a lesson to all fans teetering on stupidity when it comes to proving their team allegiance. It’s safe to say the entire football world is pitying this man.

I’m not sure that, “ The curse of the herbicide” has a nice enough ring to it, but there will be a curse. It’s no longer just Tennessee, LSU, and Auburn that hate Alabama. The disappointment of Alabama from fans across the nation is spreading like herbicide at Toomer’s Corner. Good luck, Tide. That herbicide has traveled across the state and is causing Bear to turn over in his houndstooth grave. And that can’t be a positive omen for your future.